It's 4am in the morning. I just cant get to sleep. Ever since i broke up with Alvin, i am afraid to sleep in the dark. The bed seems so spacious now. And my pillow seems so little. I kinda miss the hug i always get when I hop into my queen size bed with him in it. Feel cold now without his arm around me. But this is the decisions that i had make. And i must bear through it.

I miss the maggie mee he cook..
I miss how he hug me..
I miss how he hold me in his arm..
But ultimately, i miss my freedom before I am with him.

What should i do when i feel lousy? I already tried eating steamboat as usual. But this time alround, it does not work. It's just like taking a lift up high floor at a high speed.. My heart sinked.

I dont want to leave where I am standing now. But then again, do i have a choice? Even if i do have a choice, do i have what it takes to protect what i want and the person I loved? Am I up to the standard I think I have?

there are so many people who love me for who i am. why am i ruining my life by being together with a guy like this. i guy who cause me misery. the only guy who make me cried in front of ppl. a guy that make me lost my way in life. a guy that trash me. a guy that change me from who i use to be. i shall not regret knowing him. i shall not regret breaking up with him. it's just myself to blame for everything. i cant blame anyone. the tears.. that i had not yet shed in front of my family since 12. he make me shed in front of them. he pushed me to my limit that i think i had lost myself. who i really were. the girl who fear nothing and the girl who always enjoyed her days in all her 20 years. until he came into my life. he crush the very last bit of standing ground for me and i am leave tangling in the middle of no where.. not knowing where should i go and who should i lean on. i need a rope. i need someone. i need a space to breath and i need audrey from year 2008. anyone, please find her for me please.................

i remember when we were young, happiness can be found so easily, so within reached, so easily contented. even the slightest thing we saw, we get, can get us happy for the entire day or even week. looking back to now, life is never contented. humans are hard to please.

i also recall one of my primary school mate telling me something about life, that we are always lacking something in our life: when we are young, we have youth, we have time, but we dont have money. when we are adult, we have youth, we have money, but we dont have time as we are working. when we became old, we have time, we have money, but we have no more youth to enjoy. after he said that, i am very much agree with it.

i feel so shag now and my brian cant even think probably what i want or have to write. and i think that this entry might seems to look a bit monotone. argh.. major hangover.

went to puiluan's birthday and after a few rounds of mahjong and poker, we decided to walk over to the nearby store and grap some drinks. and it seems like normal convenient store like econ or 7-11 doesnt sell tequila. like duh.. so we decided to settle on mild drinks like jim beam cola and some ulo brands that i didnt heard of. and trust me, the jim beam suck. by the time we finish our drinks and ben send us home, it's already 2 am. (dont feel like using the word "already", but i have no life after working office job..)

to make it even more worse by reaching home at 2am, i have to wake up at 8 in the morning the next day. alright.. i know i still can sleep for another 7 whole hours. but i need at least a 10 hours of sleep. (i admit i am pig)meet up with ite friends for gathering. well, actually it's not a gathering initially. but it somehow ended up like that. *audrey shrug. and i just feel tt if i have not go for it, none of the things would have happen. if people are unappreciated, let them be. it will just spoil your wonderful days by thinking about it and pondering about it.

after the gathering dinner, kx, eugene, shouxiang, kok, edric and me went to alph cafe for a 3 in 1 entertainment. soccer, ktv and drinks. lol. nice recommendation by kok. had a long island tea and sex on the alph (an imitation of sec on the beach but in cocktail size). small contradict about the long island tea. kok thinks that it taste like ice lemon tea, my our dear kx thinks it taste nothing at all like tea. "it's a mixture of all liquor!! eww~!" says kx. lol! back home at about 2 plus again. nobodies at home and i took out the leftover vodka to finish it. dang~ that's how the major hangover comes about. stupid. slept 4am, wakes up 6am.

P.S:
people who cant live their live without a lie in it is pathetic. i cant see why you have to lie about small matter. for the sake of fun? to make your life or story sounds more interesting? i really, really,really x infinite, hate people who tell different stories to different people. and why? what happen? why do you like every stuff tat we like when you are in front of us, but yet, in front of others, the things that you love became hate? oh, let me guess, to suit the different taste of others? you are such a bootlicker. you disgust me. and dont say i gave you attitude when you are the one who started all these crap and disgusting moves. and let me tell you something, dont say you have depression when you dont. stop being a drama queen and stop thinking that the world had owe you something. maybe you do have depression. that's why you like to think up so much stories. to think that you are an
unfortunate princess who falls into a world full of evil people and step sisters. you are such a joke. i never had anyone in my life that disgust me more then you do.
and please, dont piss people off and says that people are giving you attitude. and you thought that all the people have attitude problem. but have you ever thought that the person who have a attitude problem is you? i admit and i, myself have attitude problem. but i think you have both attitude and character problem. but then, i want to let you know,i dont hate you, i hate your moves. i really dont hate you, you just disgust me. that's all. =)

today, i broke my heart again. it had been 9 months when i first got together with him. and ever since i know him, i cannot remember the days my pillows are dry. i am really tired of everything. i have done everything i can as a girlfriend. i wait for him to finish work. even if he is having ot without telling me. i cook for him no matter how tired i am. and i thought about him before i plan my schedule. i make myself free almost everytime he is free. but he just doesnt have any spare time
for me. i tolerate anything he scold me, his smoking habit and his suspicious behaviour of having another girl outside. and he just treated me like trash. i have nothing to say. and i have no more tears to shed. it's so tiring when we both know. we both know that this relationship wont work out. what are we holding on for? because he's too old to get another girlfried? he is too lazy to say the word break?
or is it just me? hoping him to change back what he once was, a perfect boyfriend. just like how i am holding on to the unfit ring he gave me. clinging on so tight. using so much energy to keep it loosing out. i have no more energy to do all this.. i am hurt all over. physically and mentaly. is there any float to hold on to?

hey, anyone? can anyone save me from this...?

yes Yes YES! my blog revived!! i bought a new laptop! yeah!! and i got my internet up and running!(double yeah!)people wont know the excitment of getting the lappy and internet up and running! i just have no fate in having internet at home. either my router broke down and i have to secretly tag my neighbour internet connection or my lappy broke down when i sign up for mobile boardband. argh! it's so fustrating.

anyway, after the big dream talk in my previous entry, i really think that dreams is a very unbelievable thing. almost all my friends are in the career industry now after graduated from tertiary school life. and of course, there are some who seek further study. and i find that all of us has gone into career that we least expect us to go. like for example me, i have change my job (yes, again), and working in a engineering company. yes! three cheers for bidding goodbye from long working hours, irregular meals, working on holidays & weekends, attitude customers and low leave days!

and cheers to kitmun who "take over" my dream to work as a nurse and work for almost 2 years. lol! the most unexpected friend who became a nurse. yes, the once so fierce and attitude kitmun. and she still is! and obviously, she, too, also never dream about being a nurse. jess, my primary school friend, became a property agent. and friend who became a gym instructor.

anyway, earning money is more important than dreams. so yea.

a blog that supposingly to be pulished on the may of 5..:

my blog have been dead for almost half a year. too busy to blog with my current job. and my laptop had been spoil ever since i quit my last job. the talk about buying a new laptop have been going on for months and i end up saving up for an oversea trip rather then getting a laptop.

time passes fast. and i had already graduated from secondary for more then 3 years. realising it only when i finally able to go for my break time, sitting on a toilet bowl in the toilet cubicle. thinking about how all of us had been talking about our future, our ambition, our dream & career. but when now is the future that we had been talking about since young, is this the future we talked about and dreamed about? i remember i once wrote about a composition in mother tounge class. the topic is "ambition". and i wrote about how i wanted to become a nurse(no kidding!. but now,i am a gradute engineer and i am a sales assistence in a store that name is not even under me. is this wat a dream is all about? but of course, when i grow up, being a nurse is not my dream anymore. as working under government, having shift work and fighting off virus at front line is not included in my so call dreams. lol. but working as a sales assistence? never in my dream before.

i feel like a bloody fool waiting alone in somewhere i least familiar. And he is happily eating at somewhere alre now. i am freaking tired of every moment i spend with him. Should i end everything?

yea!! i found a new job! i found a new job!! i am so excited!~ getting rid of my disgusting work place and boss is the most happiest thing that happen to me in this month~ woohoo! and WUIHAO! yes you! i work as a sale person and i dun need to sacrifice my hair. lol!
but.. boowoo for leaving my best working mate in suntec. sob.. T.T the one and only reason that keep me working in this lousy environment(apart from the salary).. and i am so gonna miss tingyun for all the good food that i had eaten with her. argh.. and lynn for telling me all those exciting stories. jasmine for complaining all the customers with me. jayner for given me fashion site to surf and aunty annie for all those life stories. lol. argh.. miss them miss them miss them!! expecially the food part. lol!! i am so gonna bored-to-death at my new working place with them.
sign.. goodbye suntec, goodbye all working mates, goodbye all the good foods...

argh.. been busy thinking of changing a job and i simply got no time to blog. searching for jobs online had taken up too much of my surfing time. -_-

bad boss, bad pay, bad job.. recently i have been thinking, should i find a job that has more prominent and bright future job. a more stable and more regular timing job. ARGH! just any job that is better than this. i start to consider whether i should work office job but.. just the thought of sitting there staring at the computor the whole day, make me feel sick. making money is never an easy job(unless you work for the government, printing money..), but finding a job that one like and suitable is harder than i thought.

finally i have upload all the photos in my phone to my beloved laptop.


from top left - the fabulous fried omelette noodle from takahimaya basement one! pros: it's added with cheese on top and some common ketchup. normal but a fabulous combination of sauce. cons: it does not provide any seats for consumers and it's quite messy to eat.

what else to say? the "famous, everyone knew it" mcdonald's. located almost everywhere in singapore. pros: it's fast to buy, fast to eat and easily consume almost anywhere without any seats. cons: IT'S JUST SO SICK TO EAT THE SAME THING EVERYTIME.

third photo to sixth - tonkatsu ramen, teriyaki bento, chawanmushi and potato salad from MOF located at suntec basement 1. pros: good taste for first timer on japanese food. cons: just not that nice for people who savours almost all japanese food like me.

long john silver. my classic favourite fast food located also almost anywhere. pros: it's so nice and crunchy. just love it. love the tender chicken. love their season ice lemon tea. love their crunchy on the outside and soft in the inside fries.conclusion? just love it. cons:it's so oily and it make me grow fat. but who care as long as the food is nice rite? lol.

last two pictures - tempura mushroom and mushroom soup from The machè vivocity. pros: the fried to perfection mushroom top with lemon juice(optional) combine with the all uses tar tar sauces. the taste is so perfect for the mushroom. the soup is cooked by melting mushroom. so all u will be tasting is mushrooms. not like the mushroom soup with white base, it's brown in colour. so expect the chief to cook it with all mushrooms. cons: hmm.. it's just so.. fried mushroom? not as special as i thought it will be.



why people just love to take their photo in a public toilet? answer: just adore that lighting effect and their super mega big size full length mirror. well, at lest i am one of them who adore taking my picture in the toilet. lol. apart from the full length missor that they have, i love their multi mirror which i can use to adjust my camera view. (my camera phone does not have a front camera. lol)



anyway, these photos are taken after putting on kerxing's make up. go with her navy friend and slack in hush hush till late.



went to changi airport and eat and saw this urn shape fountain. retarded us start posing in front of it with foreigners.



take and run on act. it's a "no taking photo" store. lol. first two photo are taken in "the otaku's house" located at suntec city. last two is taken at the suntec branch's toys'r'us.



featuring the "retarded 2" by Audrey and Alvin. continued their journey with their retard act. props sponsor by mumu in suntec.



precious thot! aww.. i so wanted to touch it. and yes! i saw that car in singapore skyper's carpark. mom? can i have it? can i can i?



christmas decorations in vivo and marina square.the reindeer look more like a buffalo to me. lol!!




first photo taken when i saw kitmun getting down form her block. hur hur hur, stalker audrey. and continue with eating in a mache look-alike japanese restaruant. the food there is so so sooo nice!! *audrey drool.



the atmosphere there is good too. and i really wanted to try all the food there in one day.. damn it, shoulden have eat before going there. spend about thirty bucks in there.



the mochi photo taking sessions. lol. photographed by the self proclaim "oh-so-famous" photographer Audrey and Kitmun.



aww.. dun we just love the photo sessions in the toilet? never mind, just let those guys wait. (now we all know ahy the girls took so long in the damn toilet.)

ok, alright. i admit that i ate slightly more than other people ever since i work. ... (...moment of silence..)ALRIGHT! much more than other people now can?? ever since i start work, my appetite grow in a very scary way. i remember i cant finish a bowl of noodle back in my ite days. but now, i almost ate 7 meals a day if i can get the chance. or eat 2 or 3 potion of what people ate in one meals. me and my friend travel after my work to different places and eat. chomp chomp, simbang bedok, market 85, changi village, changi airport and geyland. where else can we find 24 hour's food!! mcdonald's,audrey.. (no way!)but the weird thing is, before working, i am 52 kilograms. now? 51. weird.. and while i am typing this, i am hungry again!! argh.. i am afraid i will grow fat soon. but you ARE fat audrey..(oh shut up..) sharks.. i am craving for o--ah-jian(fried oyster) without "o-ah"(oyster)..

finallyyyy!! i have time off and stay at home like no body business. i can roll about in my beloved bed till afternoon without having the alarm clock to wake me up! day off hurray! i can clear and clean up my room! and blog everything that i miss out! alright, let's start with the blogging.

a little role explaination before moving on:

top left to right:simei as little devil, derrick as reaper, dan as dracula, night safari guy as dracula no. 2, jason as scream.
bottom left to right:kerxing as japanese kimono girl, me as pirate.


just have time to check my mail and the halloween pictures are out. yeah!! audrey did a happy dance! on the 25th october, kerxing, dan, jason, derrick, simin and i went to the night safari for their early halloween night. we went there all dress up to realise in shock that we're the only visitors that are so crazy into this thing.. -_- oh well.. this is singapore. what to expect? not all singaporean are as enthusiatic as us. what to do? just enjoy the night! jason the scream is so busy taking photo once he reach the zoo. lol. guess scream is the most in thing at halloween *audrey the pirate weeped. let's let the pictures do all the talking now.

the legendary batman car. (parked at beach road??!!)


taken with the crew member at night safari. the lady in red is sooo scary.


taking a photo before going on the journey.


all black and one red.


pirate bullying the kimono girl. hur hur hur


scream lost to a...pirate..?


bridge of hell! a road of no return~!!!


how many toilet roll did he use??!!


group photo with a crew.. the poison ivy. is "she" a he or she?


dont sneak up on me! ar bish!


that baby boy is so adorable! and he smell nice too.. yum. lol!


aye mate! ya a pilot? me a pirate!


!!?? kerxing!! keRXING!what's tt thing coming up at you!!
*this is the last day we saw kerxing. lol. (kidding)

it's make me feel sick just by looking at you. you think you are high and mighty and all people around you are nothing but trash. think about it twice. you are nothing but someone with only looks and financial power. other than that. you are even worse than a trash. people like you who thought that "just because i am good looking, girls will fell for me. and no matter what i said to them, they will forgive me." well, yeah right. you think too much of yourself. people like you who only have the outer look disguest me most. i dont denied that you are good looking. but the way you present yourself is even more uglier than the person you have insulted. people like you dont deserve a good girl like her to fall for you. you should consider yourself to be even loved by her. and i really mean loved(with a past tense). i tell you what, your disgusting looks does not attracts me at all. so dont try too hard. and i think you are pretty pathetic. cause no one ever love you for who you are. they just fell for you because you are rich and with that good looks of your's. dont get too cocky yet. cause when you get old and lost your looks, you will be nothing at all. go for plastic surgery for all you want with your money. and still the same, people will only fall for your looks. you have done the most incorrect things to insult my friend like that. and i hope you get your just dessert. and please! respect the elderly even if they are just a tissue seller! you inhuman disguesting earth existence. your existence just make me feel uncomfortable. and just the thought of breathing the same air with you, disguest me even more.

ever since i started this job, my mind just went blank everytime i reach home. all i can think of is to rest. and on how to hit sales the next day. it's not just business bad. there is no poeple at all. and i mean, literally, no people for me to sell things to. if there are some poeple in the shopping mall, i dont mind jumping out to them like some squirrel who saw nuts, just to get them buy.cant possible ask me to go out of the shopping mall and hold people by their hair and drag them in right? (oh well, maybe not dragging them by their hair.) hope i can work in place that can keep me busy with. just so hard to get by each day without much things to do. and yes! i am working now as i type this.

if you can get something yourself, dont ask other's to get it for you.
if you ask other's to get it for you, dont hurry that someone.
if you hurried that someone, dont expect him/her to face you with a smile.
if you expect him/her to face you with a smile, dont be ungrateful to the things
he/her did. cause THAT someone is not your errand boy. and he/her did not get paid to do all these stuff for you. receive it with thanks and not with a ungrateful
face. no one owns you anything in this world and neither do we. so dont give me that
attitude face of your's. i dont take it.

good bye the days of taking photo (photo photo photo~~~ echo)! *audrey yelling into the sky. i just cant seems to live without taking photo. i mean, taking photo of others and things. *audrey stalker i dont like taking photo of myself(too ugly to be taken) but i love taking still objects and scenery, not to mention other human beings. maybe my perfect job will be stalker. hur hur hur but recently(not too recent), my camera turn it's back against me.. throwing a temper? rebellious age?(hello? you are nothing but just a lousy 7.5 mega pixel old camera and nobody but the kind audrey bought you!) well,.. it's spoil for good. and at a good timing too. after my beloved camera goes haywire, events after another event lines up.. my friends going ns and will be holding a small celebrations(?), friend's birthday party, gatherings and sentosa etc etc. my god~ i just cant remember events without my camera. guess i have to buy a new one soon. or shall i let my sister do the buying? hur hur hur~

rest in peace, camera, you will be remembered by me always.

R.I.P
here lies the body of audrey's camera
year 2006~2008

argh.. having a serious muscle ache. maybe i didnt stretch properly when i play badminton yesterday.. -.- die.. tommorow have to play with my sister again.. think you have to sacrifies something for the things that you like. same goes with everything in life.
lack shopping, lack in nutritent, lack in time..

ok.. i redo-ing the whole of my blog. i know that i took a super long time to do it. cause i really really X 100 have no time to do it. argh! wish that i have 48 hours a day instead of 24. people who had been asking me to update my blog, ya, i'm sorry. *laugh. please give me sometime to finish this damn thing. i do it from scretch. all the cursor and border and colour and every other shit things. but.. i stole the picture from the net. *evil laugh.

it is a horrible feeling to withness death. i just realise that death is fond of taking away life of people who value thenselves and other's.one who dont expect to die at a young age died. one who have a fabulous road ahead died.those who haven bid good bye to their loved one died. and yet, some people who dont value their own life failed in commiting suicide. is human life so vunarable?

if love is a bless,
why do all the people getting hurt from it?
if love is a suffering,
why do all people desire it?

in order to be blessed and free of suffering is to be someone who dont need them.

One must learn to forget about the pass.
One must learn how to let go.
One must learn how to move on.
One must never let the past to bother you.

golden rules that i kept telling others. but why cant i do the same? i am tryin hard to move on. i feel like i am swimming in a sea of cement. i have to keep swimming so that i wont stuck in it. but as the time goes by, it started to be more and more tedious. no idea when will it dry up. should i stop swimming?

really hate the life i am having right now. why cant i to be the one who are capable of controling everything? i realise when i turn back to the path i've walked, the people i thought i known, changed. people i thought i can rely on, turned their back. i am lost in my own world. unable to get out. i am lost in my dream. unable to wake up. i am not holding back my tears. just tired of tearing. i disparage others and think too higly of myself. thinking i can find the way myself. thinking i can do what others cant. apparantly, i am thinking too much. i am just someone that are insignificant and debilitated.

how can i forget the things that you did when all you do is keep me reminded? why do you always appear infont of me when i decided to forget what i been through with you. i cant help but feel that i will be haunt by you forever. it is just like a curse that follow me wherever i go. i seriously didnt know you had such a impact. what an insult to me. always thought that i can handle everything but eventually when things link to you, i lose. totally lose to myself. and it's really an insult to admit you really meant(notice: past tense) alot to me. and it's really a torture to even see you. to see you moving on in your live and here i am, stuck in a past and memories that i really hate. it really annoys me! fuck!

if i say that i dont miss those days, i am lying. there are too much things that i missed. badly. but one thing i learn from a friend, no matter how bad it is now, i still have to move on. and i think that i am bless with friends that i can fall back on. whereby you can trust them and they will never leave you in the middle of the dark. i just feel weird (or i am weird?)that all those people who truly my friend, does not end up the one which i had been thinking they were. and, yup, i am back to square one. thank the momo that hear me out when i cried. to bomb me smses to make me laugh. and thank those old friends who listen to my nagging. =^.^=

manage to recover two picture during my reformatting..

the world abandon me or i abandon the world?

why is it so hard to savage this? is there really nothing i could do? or is there anything i CAN do? why is it draining off all my energy without me noticing? it is hard to savage. but it is harder to abandon it.

i hate all this. really hated it. hate my mask, hate myself, hate to put on a smile to everyone, hate to put up a strong front, hate being optimistic, hate the cheerful me, hate the long hair me, hate mine everything. just hate it. ever waking up in the morning thinking who you really are? i am sick and tired of being what people wanted me to be. i just want to be myself for one second. just want to be my cry baby self. just want to cry out loud. just want to throw tantrum. i just need someone who are willing to listen to all this. someone who accept me for who i am. not who they want me to be.

when a friend doesnt treat you as friends, do you all still consider as friend anymore? answer: no..
this blog is for someone who doest treat my beloved friend as friends. and for people who doest cherish what they have. people who dont behave like human doesnt fit to be treated like one.

have you ever eaten 3 stick of satay for ten bucks? i do..