really hate the life i am having right now. why cant i to be the one who are capable of controling everything? i realise when i turn back to the path i've walked, the people i thought i known, changed. people i thought i can rely on, turned their back. i am lost in my own world. unable to get out. i am lost in my dream. unable to wake up. i am not holding back my tears. just tired of tearing. i disparage others and think too higly of myself. thinking i can find the way myself. thinking i can do what others cant. apparantly, i am thinking too much. i am just someone that are insignificant and debilitated.
manage to recover two picture during my reformatting..
why is it so hard to savage this? is there really nothing i could do? or is there anything i CAN do? why is it draining off all my energy without me noticing? it is hard to savage. but it is harder to abandon it.
i hate all this. really hated it. hate my mask, hate myself, hate to put on a smile to everyone, hate to put up a strong front, hate being optimistic, hate the cheerful me, hate the long hair me, hate mine everything. just hate it. ever waking up in the morning thinking who you really are? i am sick and tired of being what people wanted me to be. i just want to be myself for one second. just want to be my cry baby self. just want to cry out loud. just want to throw tantrum. i just need someone who are willing to listen to all this. someone who accept me for who i am. not who they want me to be.
this blog is for someone who doest treat my beloved friend as friends. and for people who doest cherish what they have. people who dont behave like human doesnt fit to be treated like one.
never let go of someone that you love. never think that you will get him back again even though you let go of him. never regret something that you know you had done wrong. never to be too sure of yourself. never think too highly of yourself and think that he will forever stay beside you.
never say never again after what i had learn.
okie.. whatever.. school had reopen and i cant get use to the life of getting up early for school. 6 in the morning is too much for me. i usually sleep 7 am in the holidays. a switch like this can easily kill me and my complexion. school is a torture and pe is hell. climbing up and down of the stairs and running round the stadium is not a very good idea of training the students up. well.. that is an opinion of a student (yea yea me!! that student). all these dumb training had cause a lot of student having muscle ache in the next morning. yea. that is what i am having RIGHT NOW.
My internet is freaking down again because i didnt pay the bills. the only time i can get to blog is to secretly use my neighbour's internet or blogging in school. yea, dont ask me why i never pay my bills because i got no money to pay. (like duh?!) got so many debts to clear before thinking of getting back my internet to work again. top of the list will be forking out 25 bucks for my up coming NUS shoot. think of not to join but i so wanted to.. second on my list is to pay back my fren the sum of money she loan me. third, will be payin my phone bills. ever heard of handphone spoiling the day line being disrupted? can anyone get any more unfortunate then me? so even if i get my line working, i may not be able to pick up calls. like wise.. oh ya, and 25 bucks for class chalet too.. my god..
With so many things on my "paying list", when will i be able to get my internet up running again? so next time when you guys run into me, dont ask about my internet! *audrey laugh and walk away..
alright.. i admit that i got very bad EQ can? i just cant seems to manage my friendship well(i think..). it seems like everyday i am getting everyone around me angry. without noticing it myself. oh fuck.. can you all just tell me what happen if i somehow got you angry? because this is so uncomfortable thinking that your good friend might be angry with you and you doesnt even know it!! i hope that what you say are true. that you are not angry.. because if you really are, i think i maybe suffering from some lag illness.
oh yea, this is some picture we took during our outing~! theCBG!
school had just reopen and i get myself into a mess.. changing a new look may seems like a good idea. but when changing look became spoiling your hair and making you look like some kinda idiot is not a good idea after all.. my perm is so bad that i nearly ask for a one month MC just to shut myself from the world. my hair is making me so paranoid that even when people was laughing, i think they are laughing at my hilarious hairdo. my god! why am i getting myself into such humiliation? why do i have to make my own life so miserable? maybe i should look at a brighter side. now that i had perm my hair, i can have an extra cushioning to my head when sleeping.. or maybe i can tied my hair to whatever hair style i like now? great.. roll eyes.. i should start to rent that Korea drama goong and see how the female lead tied her hair.
okie.. i have tried my best to be the miss nice-girl here but i just cant seems to walk out of the miss meanie name. damn it.. alright.. i admit that i dont quite like "some people" in my class can? but cant expect me to like him/she all right? i had tried my best and it is starting to improve. although i may shoot them the i-hate-you look. but that doesnt mean that i am mean can? it's just that, i cant really stand it already! and i am just being true to myself. audrey roll eyes again. whatever..
oh ya! and i am so damn happy that eli finally transfer to my class!! yea!! this is the most happy things that i have encounter ever since school reopens. (anyway i have been bumping into lots of shit lately..)
i realise that it had been a long time before i went to east coast park today. still remember that secondary school, east coast use to be my second home. quite reluctant to go actually.. but end up to be fun. maybe it is time to dump the past behind.
have you ever eaten 3 stick of satay for ten bucks? i do..
well well, some great and noble person said that study and play must happen at the same time right? (erm.. audrey, who is that noble people you are talking about?) ah! never mind who said that! but we sure had a lot of fun!
in case you are not sure what are we doing, we are trying to snatch the food in front of us. and yes.. it is an empty cuo noodle.. -_- and poor kx and eli had to act greedy with me. lol! other then eating while study, we must do some exercise to wake ourself up.
okie.. we NG alot of time can? we cant help but bust out laughing at how many times we had NG. (my mum must be wondering how come she feel earthquake) and i admit that we had took a quite long break. and it's time to ... study!......(nothing to be happy about) 
and is a little(is very can!?) messy on the table. papers and all around. simplex.. duplex.. FM.. AM.. PM.. OSI.. arg..! oh fuck! cannot get in.. so gonna die.. well well.. did some noble man said that besties will tide you over whatever hardship you had? (alright.. i really want to meet that noble man..)
and hopefully we will remember the so call date in 2009.
teacher or "insulter"?
who can be more hypocrite then our very own teacher? not to say all, but sad to sad, almost all. stop giving me that "i care for you" look when all i can see is "i care for my pay slip" face. stop telling us with your lame and un-interesting story of how you get up early in the morning and come to school even though you are tired. because THAT'S YOUR JOB. you are paid to do so, so stop complaining and nagging. dont telling me how hard you tried to help us even if we dont use our brain(quote word by word by someone who teaches me). and if we really know how to do the question, we dont need you. quit reminding us that we ARE already ite student, we should use more brain. if not, i have to remind you that you are JUST a ite teacher. and you will aways only a ite teacher. get it? sometimes i wonder, how could someone with a english standard like you be a teacher? i really wonder. or because they pity you? that's why they hired someone like you to be a teacher. highly possible.
thanks for saying nice things to me. even though they are not from your heart. thanks for trying your best to be nice to me although you dont feel like to. i wonder, since when did our friendship turn sour. is it because of me? or is it you? i am confuse. sometimes you seems so nice, but yet, sometimes, your words are so cruel. which of you should i believe in? i am confused by your words. which sentance should i believe?
all of you seems to be so different. so different that it scared me. cause it all happen in one day. is that what you all use to be? maybe i did not see clearly right from the start i knew all of you. but now i am seeing clearer and clearer. i choose not to believe what i see. i choose to act ignorance. i choose to blind myself in laughter everytime i see the ugly sight. to stop myself for loathing something i adore most before. to stop the history for repeating..
living in shadows and fear. living in sorrow. living in a cycle that keep repeating. even if it cost everything, i wont let you win. i wont let you take away things that is MINE. you are not me and you will never be able to be me.
why is it so hard to maintain the friendster between us? i never know maintaining this friendship is so hard and tiring. i feel like giving up. i tried and tried to do anything that can help. but it doesnt work. in fact, it is getting worse. damn it. i so piss off. i am giving up now. stop asking me why. whatever i do, it does not help at all. i feel like i sm the only side that are maintaining this. fuck.. i am wasting my time. all this are only one sided. if he doesnt care, why should i? shut up and buzz off. i hate the sight of you and it is irritating me. just fuck off!